Parenting challenges
It is one of those days, when I am in a pensive and introspective mood. Questioning the things I do with my kids. Am I spending enough time with them on the things they need me for ? Am I guiding them in the right direction ? Am I doing enough to tap their potential ? Am I being too strict with my son with respect to his studies ? Am I expecting too much from him ? Am I neglecting my daughter because everything that my son does seem important to me, right now ?
But on the other hand, a voice tells me "If you do not help your son to excel and show him what he is capable of, who else will ? If you cannot show him, how hard work and love for a subject can work miracles, who will ? If you cannot show him how patience and perseverance pay off, who will ? If you do not tell him how much faith you have in his abilities and YOU believe in him, who will ? If you do not teach him the right way of doing things, who will ? May be you will come across as a tough mom, but isn't your child benefitting and won't he be thankful to you for showing him the right path".
So in my mind, these battles keep raging now and then. I was sharing these thoughts with a wonderful friend too, who resonates on my wavelength. The trick is in knowing when to step back after having put in the effort and allow nature to take recourse, with the firm belief that the child will blossom when he is ready to.
Sometimes through the grey clouds, a ray shines through. As I was moping around the house lost in my thoughts, preparing dinner, Sooraj came and told me with a grin "Amma, I forgot to show you something". Those were certificates awarded to him for excellence in a couple of subjects, with some nice words from the school. The smile on his face, his apparent pride on his achievement, the validation that every action has an equal reaction, the boosting of self esteem - all seemed to give me a sign. That may be I am on the right track. When the mind is confused with a wide variety of choices, sometimes it is signs like these - subtle or apparent, which help clear the mind, atleast for that day !
#posted by [ ranjani.sathish ]
Ranjani, it is my opinion that we always end up over thinking things w.r.t the first child.
It is not the second one is being neglected, but when the time comes, you have already faced many of the challenges and you tend to be more relaxed. Where as with the first ones everything you learn with the child as a parent.
Last week I had a discussion with the older child's teacher and the teacher (bless her heart) called me in the evening to chk if the meeting went the way I had planned and I was telling her, 'may be the issues I was discussing with you are non-issues, may be she is normal I am obsessed because this is my first experience, only time can tell, in the mean while I will touch base with you and make sure that there is continuity between home and school.'
It is good to reflect what we do. Introspection is a good thing Ranjani.
Posted by
utbtkids |
9:45 AM
Interesting thoughts...
I have a question...
Has thinking about failure or how to prepare for failure helped?
I liked what you said about putting in the effort and then stepping back after a point... Everyday we see adults (include self) who, in their role as parents don't work with the child at all or who go all the way (and don't step back at the right moment)...
In such a case, my question is, how do we prepare ourselves (the adults) for failure? And would that help in making the child understand the roles of hard work, luck, results etc.
Posted by
swami |
10:28 AM
Utbt, true that we are more relaxed with the second one, but I worry if I am over relaxed about her :-). I feel a bit guilty too about it. Shraddha is always in the background when he is studying/doing homework and I am amazed at what all she has picked during his learning process !
Swami, that is a good question and very relevant to this discussion. In fact that question came up from Sooraj during one of the Hindi studyign sessions. He said "Amma, I am learning so many new words, what if none of these come in my exam. All this learning would be a waste". So I told him "Knowledge gained can never be considered a waste. So what if these words do not come in your exam...your HIndi vocabulary has enriched by x words today, so you can understand Hindi conversations better or even converse better".
Before his exams started I told him on the prior night that I was very happy with all the effort that he had put in and inspite of all this prep, if he did not do well (for whatever reasons), I would not be upset with him. Bcos I know that he had tried hard. For me that is important - knowing that I have given my best shot to it. Then there are factors beyond my control, which I cannot worry about.
I think every experience has something to offer us. When we are young, say students...we look at it only one way..if I achieve this goal, I am a success else I am a failure. But adults (parents/teachers) need to have a broader view and be able to communicate that to their children. Every attempt of ours may not yield success, but there is definitely something that we can take away from each experience, that can contribute to our growth. That's exactly the skill we need to impart to our kids..ofcourse explaining in age appropriate ways.
I would like to give one example here. What I have given here is my parents philosophy, so I am simply following it. My brother worked so hard, putting his heart and soul into the IIT entrance exam preps when he was in 11th and 12th. My mother decided that he needed to have the mental strength to face failure, since success is not guaranteed. So she used to repeat it like a mantra "I know you are w orking hard, you are giving it your best, but if you don't make it, you should not fall apart. There is life beyond IIT". My brother did not get through, but the way he handled his failure amazed not only us but all his friends too. He moved on with a kind of dignity and composure that I rarely see around me. Needless to say, the knowledge he acquired has helped him so much through the years, that he is one of the best in his fields now.
It is our duty as mature adults to be able to embrace failure and success with equanimity and also be able to communicate to our children this.
Posted by
ranjani.sathish |
11:45 AM
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Posted by
gwl |
7:56 PM